How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
If thou must love me... (Sonnet 14)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
"I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry:
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Glaucoma Suspect
On Nov 29 2011, I became a glaucoma suspect. There is no history of glaucoma in my family, no diabetes, no myopia, no high blood, no regular use of corticosteroids yet I am now someone with one or more risk factors that may lead to glaucoma including increasing intraocular pressure even though I may not yet have definite optic nerve damage or vision loss due to glaucoma. I have since been to see another ophthalmologist who wanted to make a more accurate diagnosis other than the applanation tonometry she gave me.
My situation now is depressing. Even though I need to see my doctor, the visit would always bring a feeling of dread of what the diagnosis would be. Last Thursday, I went through three procedures - perimetry, disc photo and pachymetry. I have to schedule my next visit to my doctor so she can see the results of the procedures.
As I write this, I am having an asthma attack. I have taken my medication. My asthma must have been caused not only by extreme weather conditions but also because of concerns about my eye. My attacks started last Thursday morning.
I have to keep myself busy or think of other things to keep from crying or wallowing in self-pity. God has his reasons for all of these.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Why Am I Here?
As a child, I used to ask God why He made me. I couldn't understand why certain bad things happened to me. Now as a grown-up, when my faith backslides, even though I know that God has a purpose for letting things happen in our lives, I question Him again.
"God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. In the fullness of time, God the Father sent his Son as the Redeemer and Savior of mankind, fallen into sin, thus calling all into his Church and, through the work of the Holy Spirit, making them adopted children and heirs of his eternal happiness." From the Catholic viewpoint, God created me, each one of us to be with Him for all eternity.
Because I am feeble, whenever I feel that things are not going the way I want them to go in my life, I ask God to take me, as a way of escape from what I perceive as my unbearable life. This is a distortion of God's beautiful plan of letting me share eternity with Him. There can be no shortcuts, for "He has made everything beautiful in its time"(New International Version).
Again and again, I give up. But God in His goodness and mercy always lifts me up.
Maybe my belief in God is shaky at best. I am not a mature Christian. And by definition by Christians, since I am Catholic, I am not a Christian. But God knows that I am wretched and loves me just the same. He loves me even if I only believe in Him because I am scared of the thought of the world turning on its own volition, of things happening with no one in control, of everything getting jumbled because no one is in charge of Operations. I am still scared - scared of falling with no one there to catch me, just like in the song. But I only have to remember that only with God can I still be like a little child, and my fears would leave me.
"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end"(New International Version).
If God will allow me the gift of understanding, I will have full knowledge of my reason for being. If not, only in heaven will I fully understand why God created me.
"God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. In the fullness of time, God the Father sent his Son as the Redeemer and Savior of mankind, fallen into sin, thus calling all into his Church and, through the work of the Holy Spirit, making them adopted children and heirs of his eternal happiness." From the Catholic viewpoint, God created me, each one of us to be with Him for all eternity.
Because I am feeble, whenever I feel that things are not going the way I want them to go in my life, I ask God to take me, as a way of escape from what I perceive as my unbearable life. This is a distortion of God's beautiful plan of letting me share eternity with Him. There can be no shortcuts, for "He has made everything beautiful in its time"(New International Version).
Again and again, I give up. But God in His goodness and mercy always lifts me up.
Maybe my belief in God is shaky at best. I am not a mature Christian. And by definition by Christians, since I am Catholic, I am not a Christian. But God knows that I am wretched and loves me just the same. He loves me even if I only believe in Him because I am scared of the thought of the world turning on its own volition, of things happening with no one in control, of everything getting jumbled because no one is in charge of Operations. I am still scared - scared of falling with no one there to catch me, just like in the song. But I only have to remember that only with God can I still be like a little child, and my fears would leave me.
"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end"(New International Version).
If God will allow me the gift of understanding, I will have full knowledge of my reason for being. If not, only in heaven will I fully understand why God created me.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
At A Crossroad
I am Catholic by birth and rearing. I now feel that I have to make a decision sooner or later for a faith that I would be willing to die for after living for it. I pray that, though I am at a crossroad, if I make a wrong turn, I can always go back.
I believe that God is faithful even though oftentimes I am not. He will guide me to the right path.
I believe that God is faithful even though oftentimes I am not. He will guide me to the right path.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
For Forgetful Me
Today, I spent the day with my love.
Walking through the streets of Chinatown, we looked for Chinese food in places to which we have never been. We tried to find restaurants, from a list that I made the night before, only to discover sadly that some were no longer open for business. The trip started off at Benavidez, thru Salazar, then Ongpin and Quintin Paredes, then thru Gandara and back to Ongpin again and ended at where it intersects Raon. At Kim Hiong, we ordered soup no. 5, cooked in sibut herbs. For him, it tasted a bit like the sibut he remembers, that his Mom cooks, than the duck in sibut we ate at a restaurant along Gandara. He really wanted me to taste authentic sibut. Maybe in our next quest, I will. Chili garlic oil brought out the taste of Yang-zhou Chao Fan rice. We had fun eating toast tendon noodles afterwards mainly because we didn't really know how to eat them(at least in the way they were meant to be eaten by the restaurants usual patrons). The tendons were succulent. The house tea, even though, not as strong as it should be and soup from the noodle dish, made me forget that it was raining outside (but not like it was on Tuesday of this week.)
Last Tuesday seemed like all hell broke loose. Winds and rain poured all over the Metro. Just getting to the office was harrowing and life-threatening for me. It was not my usual walk to EDSA from the sidestreet entrance to Araneta. That morning, I clung to the wires of a gate as the Signal No. 2 wind tried to carry me. I struggled to hold on to my umbrella as it was being blown off by the wind. At the office, Management allowed all of us to go home before ten a.m. I was in a hurry to get home that I forgot my wallets in my office drawer, resulting in further delay to my going home. My love agreed to meet me to give me money but he had to go through the winds and rain himself just to be able to help me. After some minor battle with the winds and rain, we finally met. It was supposed to feel like some scene from a romantic movie except that I kept on fussing about the fact that he got himself wet and cold because of me and he had not recovered from a lingering cough at that. At Trinoma, we got ourselves some snacks. Talked about the weather, our relationship, about some heavy stuff and the things that prevent us from making any sort of commitment. He saw me to my bus ride to Cubao after threats that he would make me pay for the hundred bucks he gave me for my taxi fare if I didn't get a taxi in Cubao. We didn't get to communicate the rest of the day except thru SMS. The typhoon shut down power in the part of Quezon City where he lives and it made my internet service provider play a voice recording announcing all day long to all subscriber callers that it was doing technical enhancements.
My love surprised me with a visit on Thursday morning and maki with black vinegar from Mañosa. I was so happy to see him and told him so but he said it was really no trouble at all. The office was near his way to MRT Ayala so he thought he might as well drop by and give me the maki he had meant to bring home and eat later. That night, I taught him to make little hearts on his keyboard. After some trial and error, I saw a line of little hearts appearing on the chat window.
On the way home after our Chinatown food trip, I looked for that little pizza stand for some P10 street pizza but the stand was not there. I hope to find it next time. We decided to go to a quiet place where we can discuss Romans. I've been reading the Epistles upon his suggestion. He says Romans was like a nutshell of all the important doctrines we would be discussing. I read Chapter 1 aloud as he requested and we discussed religion in between sips of brewed coffee, that he found too concentrated for his liking, yogurt cake and the place's Signature Hot Choco. He kept on standing to refill a little cup with milk that he would then add to his coffee. How he loves milk even though a lot of it affects his stomach afterwards.
After faith talks, he went home to his weekend favorite, Avengers, while I bought some roast beef pizza and baked macaroni so I can load carbo for my 10k run the next day. When I checked the Run's website, I read the announcement that the Run was cancelled due to bad weather and moved to Oct 9 2011. I sent SMS's to inform those who will be joining the Run with me. It was welcome news since my love was more worried for me running unprepared than I had been for myself.
Conversation flows between my love and me like water flowing on a mountain stream. It meanders and creates its own direction but it always refreshes our relationship. More and more, he reveals himself to me a day at a time. When he discloses himself, I feel like someone in a long journey who has discovered something of great value and though it does not make me materially wealthy, I feel rich nevertheless and I start feeling that the journey has been well worth it.
I am so forgetful and I should be punished for not remembering but what can I do? My memory does not want to cooperate with my desire to remember and so I write things down.
(Oct. 1 2011)
Walking through the streets of Chinatown, we looked for Chinese food in places to which we have never been. We tried to find restaurants, from a list that I made the night before, only to discover sadly that some were no longer open for business. The trip started off at Benavidez, thru Salazar, then Ongpin and Quintin Paredes, then thru Gandara and back to Ongpin again and ended at where it intersects Raon. At Kim Hiong, we ordered soup no. 5, cooked in sibut herbs. For him, it tasted a bit like the sibut he remembers, that his Mom cooks, than the duck in sibut we ate at a restaurant along Gandara. He really wanted me to taste authentic sibut. Maybe in our next quest, I will. Chili garlic oil brought out the taste of Yang-zhou Chao Fan rice. We had fun eating toast tendon noodles afterwards mainly because we didn't really know how to eat them(at least in the way they were meant to be eaten by the restaurants usual patrons). The tendons were succulent. The house tea, even though, not as strong as it should be and soup from the noodle dish, made me forget that it was raining outside (but not like it was on Tuesday of this week.)
Last Tuesday seemed like all hell broke loose. Winds and rain poured all over the Metro. Just getting to the office was harrowing and life-threatening for me. It was not my usual walk to EDSA from the sidestreet entrance to Araneta. That morning, I clung to the wires of a gate as the Signal No. 2 wind tried to carry me. I struggled to hold on to my umbrella as it was being blown off by the wind. At the office, Management allowed all of us to go home before ten a.m. I was in a hurry to get home that I forgot my wallets in my office drawer, resulting in further delay to my going home. My love agreed to meet me to give me money but he had to go through the winds and rain himself just to be able to help me. After some minor battle with the winds and rain, we finally met. It was supposed to feel like some scene from a romantic movie except that I kept on fussing about the fact that he got himself wet and cold because of me and he had not recovered from a lingering cough at that. At Trinoma, we got ourselves some snacks. Talked about the weather, our relationship, about some heavy stuff and the things that prevent us from making any sort of commitment. He saw me to my bus ride to Cubao after threats that he would make me pay for the hundred bucks he gave me for my taxi fare if I didn't get a taxi in Cubao. We didn't get to communicate the rest of the day except thru SMS. The typhoon shut down power in the part of Quezon City where he lives and it made my internet service provider play a voice recording announcing all day long to all subscriber callers that it was doing technical enhancements.
My love surprised me with a visit on Thursday morning and maki with black vinegar from Mañosa. I was so happy to see him and told him so but he said it was really no trouble at all. The office was near his way to MRT Ayala so he thought he might as well drop by and give me the maki he had meant to bring home and eat later. That night, I taught him to make little hearts on his keyboard. After some trial and error, I saw a line of little hearts appearing on the chat window.
On the way home after our Chinatown food trip, I looked for that little pizza stand for some P10 street pizza but the stand was not there. I hope to find it next time. We decided to go to a quiet place where we can discuss Romans. I've been reading the Epistles upon his suggestion. He says Romans was like a nutshell of all the important doctrines we would be discussing. I read Chapter 1 aloud as he requested and we discussed religion in between sips of brewed coffee, that he found too concentrated for his liking, yogurt cake and the place's Signature Hot Choco. He kept on standing to refill a little cup with milk that he would then add to his coffee. How he loves milk even though a lot of it affects his stomach afterwards.
After faith talks, he went home to his weekend favorite, Avengers, while I bought some roast beef pizza and baked macaroni so I can load carbo for my 10k run the next day. When I checked the Run's website, I read the announcement that the Run was cancelled due to bad weather and moved to Oct 9 2011. I sent SMS's to inform those who will be joining the Run with me. It was welcome news since my love was more worried for me running unprepared than I had been for myself.
Conversation flows between my love and me like water flowing on a mountain stream. It meanders and creates its own direction but it always refreshes our relationship. More and more, he reveals himself to me a day at a time. When he discloses himself, I feel like someone in a long journey who has discovered something of great value and though it does not make me materially wealthy, I feel rich nevertheless and I start feeling that the journey has been well worth it.
I am so forgetful and I should be punished for not remembering but what can I do? My memory does not want to cooperate with my desire to remember and so I write things down.
(Oct. 1 2011)
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thoughts One Late September Afternoon
Come What May
(Air Supply, EMI)
When she looks at me, I know the girl sees things nobody else can see;
All of the secret fears inside and all the craziness I hide.
She looks into my soul and reads me like nobody can
And she doesn't judge the man, she just takes me as I am.
Come what may, she believes and that faith is something I've never known before.
Come what may, she loves me and that love has helped me open a door
Making me love myself a little more.
When I turn away, she knows those are the times there's nothing she can say,
Nothing that anyone can do and so she let's me live it through
And when I'm in my darkest hours of uncertainty,
She just simply lets me be and goes right on lovin' me.
Come what may, she believes and that faith is something I've never known before.
Come what may, she loves me and that love has helped me open a door,
Making me love myself a little more.
And when it seems my dreams have all slipped through my fingers;
When they just can't be found, I turn around and there they are shining in her eyes.
Somebody
(Depeche Mode, Sony ATV)
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life, share my innermost thoughts,
Know my intimate details, someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my support. She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general. Though my views may be wrong,
They may even be perverted, she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking, in fact she'll often disagree but at the end of it all,
She will understand me, ooohhhhh...
I want somebody who cares for me passionately, with every thought
And with every breath, someone who'll help me see things in a different light,
All the things I detest I will almost like. I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings.
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things but when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly.
Though things like this make me sick, in a case like this I'll get away with it.
In a place like this I'll get away with it, aahhhh...
================oooooooo=====================
Just when I thought I was over sappy love songs, my dearest reminded me that there were many worth crying with. Come What May and Somebody are sung for an ideal woman. It seems the first already exists, while the other is yet to be found. The sentiments maybe true for all men. Who doesn't want such a girl in his life?
I'm overweight. He is, too. We both weigh 75 kgs but he tried to carry me and succeeded also in straining his back muscles. Well, at least he can carry me piggyback. I really have to lose weight. And I'll do it for me though he teases me about my weight and tells me he will leave me because I'm now fatter than when we first met.
Sometimes, he waxes emotional about making my life's situation worse than it was before. I tell him that I'm happy with him. I have no regrets and that someone like him only comes once in a lifetime, my lifetime. Everyday feels like new because he is here with me. Because of him, I am reminded of a quote by Ursula K. Le Guin - Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. I feel myself growing, too, changing in my love for him.
To my dear, we said we would take each day as it comes. We have. I know you more now and though you say that I don't like what I'm finding out about you, that is not the case. There are many things that I don't understand still. But I love you and I believe that you will do what you can to make everything right for everyone, no matter how much muddled things are.
You are deep and it would take a lifetime knowing you. I want to be with you because you have shared yourself with me as I have done with you. With you, I can be myself and not feel I'm being judged. With bated breath, I watch the beauty of your soul slowly unfolding itself before me. Nobody is perfect, dear, but I want to grow to perfection with you.
I love you. Happy birthday!!!
(Air Supply, EMI)
When she looks at me, I know the girl sees things nobody else can see;
All of the secret fears inside and all the craziness I hide.
She looks into my soul and reads me like nobody can
And she doesn't judge the man, she just takes me as I am.
Come what may, she believes and that faith is something I've never known before.
Come what may, she loves me and that love has helped me open a door
Making me love myself a little more.
When I turn away, she knows those are the times there's nothing she can say,
Nothing that anyone can do and so she let's me live it through
And when I'm in my darkest hours of uncertainty,
She just simply lets me be and goes right on lovin' me.
Come what may, she believes and that faith is something I've never known before.
Come what may, she loves me and that love has helped me open a door,
Making me love myself a little more.
And when it seems my dreams have all slipped through my fingers;
When they just can't be found, I turn around and there they are shining in her eyes.
Somebody
(Depeche Mode, Sony ATV)
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life, share my innermost thoughts,
Know my intimate details, someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my support. She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general. Though my views may be wrong,
They may even be perverted, she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking, in fact she'll often disagree but at the end of it all,
She will understand me, ooohhhhh...
I want somebody who cares for me passionately, with every thought
And with every breath, someone who'll help me see things in a different light,
All the things I detest I will almost like. I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings.
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things but when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly.
Though things like this make me sick, in a case like this I'll get away with it.
In a place like this I'll get away with it, aahhhh...
================oooooooo=====================
Just when I thought I was over sappy love songs, my dearest reminded me that there were many worth crying with. Come What May and Somebody are sung for an ideal woman. It seems the first already exists, while the other is yet to be found. The sentiments maybe true for all men. Who doesn't want such a girl in his life?
I'm overweight. He is, too. We both weigh 75 kgs but he tried to carry me and succeeded also in straining his back muscles. Well, at least he can carry me piggyback. I really have to lose weight. And I'll do it for me though he teases me about my weight and tells me he will leave me because I'm now fatter than when we first met.
Sometimes, he waxes emotional about making my life's situation worse than it was before. I tell him that I'm happy with him. I have no regrets and that someone like him only comes once in a lifetime, my lifetime. Everyday feels like new because he is here with me. Because of him, I am reminded of a quote by Ursula K. Le Guin - Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. I feel myself growing, too, changing in my love for him.
To my dear, we said we would take each day as it comes. We have. I know you more now and though you say that I don't like what I'm finding out about you, that is not the case. There are many things that I don't understand still. But I love you and I believe that you will do what you can to make everything right for everyone, no matter how much muddled things are.
You are deep and it would take a lifetime knowing you. I want to be with you because you have shared yourself with me as I have done with you. With you, I can be myself and not feel I'm being judged. With bated breath, I watch the beauty of your soul slowly unfolding itself before me. Nobody is perfect, dear, but I want to grow to perfection with you.
I love you. Happy birthday!!!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Insomnia? Think Again...
A childhood memory of binging on Milo powder humbles me. Whenever I want to boast or gloat about something, I only have to remind myself that I was so wrong about sleep. For years, I had imagined myself as a super being who had little need for sleep. I was usually the last to sleep in the evenings even though I was one of the first to get up in the mornings. With just a few hours of sleep, I still had lots of energy spilling over. I had not known then that caffeine in Milo stimulated me. As a young adult, by the time I lessened my Milo intake because I was already gulping down coffee, I was already hooked on caffeine.
Caffeine was the secret of my sleeplessness. Now, I look back wistfully at all those nights I did not sleep. I wish I can bring them all back and sleep them all out one by one. But I can only dream on...
Caffeine was the secret of my sleeplessness. Now, I look back wistfully at all those nights I did not sleep. I wish I can bring them all back and sleep them all out one by one. But I can only dream on...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Why Write?
Even though all is vanity, I write. Because part of me is selfish. I want to leave a mark, albeit a fleeting one. Another reason is I am forgetful. I may forget no matter how much I want to remember. I also want to see what my thoughts were at a particular point in time and a particular place, what I felt, what I perceived. Maybe this will help me know myself more for I cannot know myself enough.
Everyday, I delight in discovering new things and at the same time finding in them the same God who was with me from that first moment of heartbeat in my mother's womb. I will always be grateful for life.
If you take a glimpse of me, may you find respite from the daily grind and find joy in living and being human. Life, after all, is worth living.
Everyday, I delight in discovering new things and at the same time finding in them the same God who was with me from that first moment of heartbeat in my mother's womb. I will always be grateful for life.
If you take a glimpse of me, may you find respite from the daily grind and find joy in living and being human. Life, after all, is worth living.
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