Thoughts One Late September Afternoon

Come What May
(Air Supply, EMI)

When she looks at me, I know the girl sees things nobody else can see;
All of the secret fears inside and all the craziness I hide.
She looks into my soul and reads me like nobody can
And she doesn't judge the man, she just takes me as I am.
 
Come what may, she believes and that faith is something I've never known before.
Come what may, she loves me and that love has helped me open a door
Making me love myself a little more.

When I turn away, she knows those are the times there's nothing she can say,
Nothing that anyone can do and so she let's me live it through
And when I'm in my darkest hours of uncertainty,
She just simply lets me be and goes right on lovin' me.

Come what may, she believes and that faith is something I've never known before.
Come what may, she loves me and that love has helped me open a door,
Making me love myself a little more.

And when it seems my dreams have all slipped through my fingers;
When they just can't be found, I turn around and there they are shining in her eyes.

Somebody
(Depeche Mode, Sony ATV)

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life, share my innermost thoughts,
Know my intimate details, someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my support. She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general. Though my views may be wrong,
They may even be perverted, she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking, in fact she'll often disagree but at the end of it all,
She will understand me, ooohhhhh...

I want somebody who cares for me passionately, with every thought
And with every breath, someone who'll help me see things in a different light,
All the things I detest I will almost like. I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings.
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things but when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly.
Though things like this make me sick, in a case like this I'll get away with it.
In a place like this I'll get away with it, aahhhh...

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Just when I thought I was over sappy love songs, my dearest reminded me that there were many worth crying with. Come What May and Somebody are sung for an ideal woman. It seems the first already exists, while the other is yet to be found. The sentiments maybe true for all men. Who doesn't want such a girl in his life?

I'm overweight. He is, too. We both weigh 75 kgs but he tried to carry me and succeeded also in straining his back muscles. Well, at least he can carry me piggyback. I really have to lose weight. And I'll do it for me though he teases me about my weight and tells me he will leave me because I'm now fatter than when we first met.

Sometimes, he waxes emotional about making my life's situation worse than it was before. I tell him that I'm happy with him. I have no regrets and that someone like him only comes once in a lifetime, my lifetime. Everyday feels like new because he is here with me. Because of him, I am reminded of a quote by Ursula K. Le Guin - Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. I feel myself growing, too, changing in my love for him.

To my dear, we said we would take each day as it comes. We have. I know you more now and though you say that I don't like what I'm finding out about you, that is not the case. There are many things that I don't understand still. But I love you and I believe that you will do what you can to make everything right for everyone, no matter how much muddled things are.

You are deep and it would take a lifetime knowing you. I want to be with you because you have shared yourself with me as I have done with you. With you, I can be myself and not feel I'm being judged. With bated breath, I watch the beauty of your soul slowly unfolding itself before me. Nobody is perfect, dear, but I want to grow to perfection with you.

I love you. Happy birthday!!!

Insomnia? Think Again...

A childhood memory of binging on Milo powder humbles me. Whenever I want to boast or gloat about something, I only have to remind myself that I was so wrong about sleep. For years, I had imagined myself as a super being who had little need for sleep. I was usually the last to sleep in the evenings even though I was one of the first to get up in the mornings. With just a few hours of sleep, I still had lots of energy spilling over. I had not known then that caffeine in Milo stimulated me. As a young adult, by the time I lessened my Milo intake because I was already gulping down coffee, I was already hooked on caffeine.

Caffeine was the secret of my sleeplessness. Now, I look back wistfully at all those nights I did not sleep. I wish I can bring them all back and sleep them all out one by one. But I can only dream on...

Why Write?

Even though all is vanity, I write. Because part of me is selfish. I want to leave a mark, albeit a fleeting one. Another reason is I am forgetful. I may forget no matter how much I want to remember. I also want to see what my thoughts were at a particular point in time and a particular place, what I felt, what I perceived. Maybe this will help me know myself more for I cannot know myself enough.

Everyday, I delight in discovering new things and at the same time finding in them the same God who was with me from that first moment of heartbeat in my mother's womb. I will always be grateful for life.

If you take a glimpse of me, may you find respite from the daily grind and find joy in living and being human. Life, after all, is worth living.