Trying to reaffirm the dignity of being a child of God...

      Not lapsed, just searching, trying to look at my Catholic faith objectively. It was handed down, not a choice. I wanted to be given the chance to choose. Had attended a Catholicism class taught by a Baptist (1689 confession of faith) once a week for 4 months incognito. I felt every guffaw, every negative remark against my faith even though the pastor-lecturer said early on that the class, composed of Baptists/Evangelicals except maybe for me, should be convincing in their kindness. That experience was so hurting, humiliating and humbling that I was depressed for weeks even after classes had been over, because I had been a Catholic since my baptism more than 45 years ago, had attended Catholic schools from Kinder to 4th year College but there was I, clueless and helpless as to how I could defend my faith. Years of Catholic teachings, aside from attending Masses regularly, retreats, recollections, membership in church organizations, did not prepare me for questions that the Baptists would raise about Catholicism.
      I realized from my subsequent readings that maybe the Baptists have a point, and that Catholics, including me, should heed the warnings of Benedict Heron, OSB in his book I Saw Satan Fall:
       "...We are protected from the attacks of the devil and misfortunes, not by a relic, a crucifix, a holy picture, a medal, a scapular, a particular prayer, but by Jesus himself. He may choose to work through an angel or in answer to the prayers of his mother or the saints, or through pious objects, but it is Jesus himself who saves and protects. There can be a danger of superstition as also of a magic mentality if we put our trust in holy things rather than in the Holy One."
      Second warning is "...there can be a danger of some Catholics getting smothered by a multitude of private devotions, special prayers, novenas, holy pictures, scapulars, medals and such things, so that the centrality of the Mass and the basic simplicity of the spiritual life become obscured," and that " we shall not be protected from the attacks of the devil because of the vast number of pious objects around us, or because of endless private devotions."
      Personally, I think that the errors spoken against by Benedict Heron may also be the reason why some or many (don't have the actual number) are getting out of the Catholic fold.

Why Am I Here?

As a child, I used to ask God why He made me. I couldn't understand why certain bad things happened to me. Now as a grown-up, when my faith backslides, even though I know that God has a purpose for letting things happen in our lives, I question Him again.

"God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. In the fullness of time, God the Father sent his Son as the Redeemer and Savior of mankind, fallen into sin, thus calling all into his Church and, through the work of the Holy Spirit, making them adopted children and heirs of his eternal happiness." From the Catholic viewpoint, God created me, each one of us to be with Him for all eternity.

Because I am feeble, whenever I feel that things are not going the way I want them to go in my life, I ask God to take me, as a way of escape from what I perceive as my unbearable life. This is a distortion of God's beautiful plan of letting me share eternity with Him. There can be no shortcuts, for "He has made everything beautiful in its time"(New International Version).

Again and again, I give up. But God in His goodness and mercy always lifts me up.

Maybe my belief in God is shaky at best. I am not a mature Christian. And by definition by Christians, since I am Catholic, I am not a Christian. But God knows that I am wretched and loves me just the same. He loves me even if I only believe in Him because I am scared of the thought of the world turning on its own volition, of things happening with no one in control, of everything getting jumbled because no one is in charge of Operations. I am still scared - scared of falling with no one there to catch me, just like in the song. But I only have to remember that only with God can I still be like a little child, and my fears would leave me.

"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end"(New International Version).

If God will allow me the gift of understanding, I will have full knowledge of my reason for being. If not, only in heaven will I fully understand why God created me.

Why Write?

Even though all is vanity, I write. Because part of me is selfish. I want to leave a mark, albeit a fleeting one. Another reason is I am forgetful. I may forget no matter how much I want to remember. I also want to see what my thoughts were at a particular point in time and a particular place, what I felt, what I perceived. Maybe this will help me know myself more for I cannot know myself enough.

Everyday, I delight in discovering new things and at the same time finding in them the same God who was with me from that first moment of heartbeat in my mother's womb. I will always be grateful for life.

If you take a glimpse of me, may you find respite from the daily grind and find joy in living and being human. Life, after all, is worth living.